


just medals and scars

by fairy_myeon



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, chanyeol is dead in this, mainkrisho, postwar!au, ptsd after war, sidechanbaek, soldier yifan, very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:40:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23688586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairy_myeon/pseuds/fairy_myeon
Summary: Blinded by Propaganda, Yifan had joined the army. What was once a happy man, came back as only a shell. Now finally reunited with his one and only love, he still could not forget what he had seen. Junmyeon tried his best, but the memories would never leave.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol, Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Wu Yi Fan | Kris
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	just medals and scars

**Author's Note:**

> this is actually an original story i have written 7 years ago and translated only now so forgive me if it's a bit weird at some parts.  
> this au is postwar and takes place at new years eve. this has no specific timeframe and i had no specific war in mind just fyi. 
> 
> this will also switch from present to flashbacks a few times, i will mark it though so it won't get confusing. also i was very melodramatic back then so...

He was still battling it. Wu Yifan had never thought about having hope, of finally getting past it. It didn’t matter what was happening now, where he was or who was with him. Nothing would change what he had seen, what he had to do and who he had lost. The only thing Yifan could do was to suppress it, pushing it into the back of his head. He knew he did this not for himself. No, if It was only himself, he wanted to drown in the pain. He /wanted/ it to hurt. He did not want to forget what he had done under any circumstances. He did not want all the month full of death to be forgotten. But still, he acted like he had overcome it. Like he was okay again. Yifan did not want to be a burden for the people around him. Not for his father, not for his friends. Not for anyone. But out of all the people, especially not for him.

///FLASHBACK///

Yifan had constantly thought about how he should face him after all of this. After all this mess. But he never came to a satisfying answer. He couldn’t fathom what would be the right thing to do, what kind of behavior would be appropriate? /He/ had been angry, disappointed. Yifan had acted selfish as he had told him what he would do without her knowledge. Back then Yifan did not understand why he had been so scared as Yifan decided to join the military. Now he understood it very well. He did not know if, back then, something would have changed if he would have known. He had been stubborn, determined and proud for what he had decided on.  
His longer fingers treated through his dirty blonde hair as he walked through the streets. Uniform still one his broad frame. He hadn’t been walking these paths fora. Long time now. Had not passed all the little shops, cafes or buildings in what seemed like an eternity. He used to visit them so often with his friends. But today everything just looked like bricks stacked onto each other. He did not see anymore in this city. Actually, he did not want to see more. It looked like trenches. For everyone, that would hide in there. 

„Yi…. Yifan?“ He stopped. Stopped in front of the shop that had always made his heart beat faster.  
„You… It’s you!“ He could feel smooth black hair against his neck as he fell into his arms. Yifan was a lot taller. He took a deep breath, smelled the earthy scent of the smaller, all those different flowers. He had always loved working in the local flower shop, he had always done it. Even now, after all this time. Yifan wrapped his arms around the small frame. Flowers were an absurdity in his depressing thoughts, so destroyed by violence and war.  
„I…. I didn’t know… that you’re back, Yifan.“ His big, dark eyes now looked up to him. He saw tears in them. Yifan didn’t want him to cry because of him. He did not deserve any tears.  
„Junmyeon.“ Carefully, he placed his hand on the smaller’s cheek, thumb wiping away his tears.  
„Please don’t cry.“ There was pain in his word. Junmyeon felt it so clearly. He tried to smile, it look as difficult as it was.  
„You’re back again.“ Yifan wasn’t sure if he really was back, if all of him managed to return. But he nodded.  
„I arrived just today.“ In truth, he was still far away. The tears were still gathering in Junmyeon’s dark eyes. Yifan could not bear the smaller crying because of him. He did not deserve tears. He enveloped him tighter, he had missed it. It’s been so long.  
„I am so sorry, Junmyeon.“ He bit onto his chapped lips.  
„I made a big mistake.“ He knew that Junmyeon was the only one that would understand what he wanted to say, the only one he could rely on. Now it was Yifan that had tears in his eyes, at first, he did not want Junmyeon to see them, so he turned his head. He could not bear it if he would get even sadder when looking at him. But Junmyeon would have non of it, hands, that were so much smaller than his own, would put itself on his face gently. There was a small scar under his left eye now. He tried to smile for him.  
„Everything is fine, Yifan. You’re home again. You’re with me.“

///END OF FLASHBACK///

Yifan wanted to believe him so badly. But he was no longer the Wu Yifan that he thought he was. But still, he was here, standing with Junmyeon and his friends. He raised his head to look into the sky, it was already dark. It had been a couple of months now, he had adapted to his surroundings again. He would do things with his family and his old group of friends. Sometimes it seemed like everything was normal again. Yifan looked to Junmyeon who was talking to their friends while holding onto his hand. It was very rarely that he was willing to let go. It was very cold today, of course it was, yet a lot of people had gathered on this site at the outer part of the city. It was new years eve after all. Yifan did not want to go, just like most times, but he did not want Junmyeon or his friends to worry about him.  
He felt how someone was pressing against him, small frame against his. Junmyeon. Yifan looked down and showed a small smile.  
„It’s so cold.“ He said, smiling, too. Junmyeon was always so happy when he managed to smile. Yifan did not want him to be unhappy. So he reciprocated the embrace, warmed his boyfriend and enjoyed his touch.

They were standing like this for a while, until Junmyeon looked up again, still smiling. It seemed like he wanted to say something, but then her eyes changed. He looked sad. It almost looked like he was staring into nothing suddenly.  
„Myeon?“ Yifan put a hand onto his cheek in worry, but still, Junmyeon looked past him.  
„Baekhyun…“ His voice was quiet. His large, dark eyes went back to Yifan. The taller looked over his shoulder and spotted the young man that was sitting on a bench, alone. His bangs fell into his face. Gloved hands pressing against the seat, it seemed like he could not sit straight if not for the strong grip. Yifan looked into the sky again.  
„He misses him.“ He nodded.  
„C-could you talk to him? You know…“ Yifan nodded again, this time faster. He did not want him to say it. It was already enough to see those pictures in his head. A last nod before he turned around and made his ways to the bench.  
„Baekhyun.“ He sat down beside him. Last time Yifan had spoken to him was before he went to the army. The past months they had not exchanged a single word. Baekhyun did not seem like he wanted to, never searched for his company. Actually, Baekhyun did not want to be close to anyone.  
„What do you want?“ His voice was repelling, Yifan could fully comprehend that.  
„It’s not fair.“ Yifan said. This time Baekhyun actually looked at him, observed how Yifan pushed his hands into the pockets of his coat and looked up.  
„Why did I survive, but he did not?“  
Park Chanyeol had been one of his best friends. He had died right in front of his eyes at the battlefield.  
„He had always been so gentle.“ Baekhyun and Chanyeol had been a couple forever before he went to the army together with Yifan. They had ben inseparable and so, so happy. But the war had taken everything. 

///FLASHBACK///

A million of gunshots crossed the ears of the young soldiers. They finally realized this was not just a game. The Propaganda had worked well. Yifan pressed the rifle against his chest. He was scared, so fucking scared, but he knew he could not show it. Most of the others felt the same. It was nothing but a massacre in his eyes at this point. And at this particular battle, luck was not on their side this time.  
„Retreat!“ It was their general, that yelled those words. Yifan heard the resistance in his words. He did not want to give up, but they were almost circled by the enemies, they did not have many chances now. So Yifan turned to his men and shouted as loud as he could.  
„You heard it! Retreat!“ The soldiers followed immediately and all together they ran back to their own areal available right now to flee. Yifan ran as fast as he could. He still heard the gunshots behind them, their enemy’s rifles trying to chase them. He tasted the wirled up dirt onto his tongue. He was not brave enough to look back and find out who of his comrades had fallen every time he heard a body dropping to the ground. He was probably a coward, but it was just too much. There were still a few hundred meters of the sandy area left until the would reach the forest that would offer them shelter and protection. There was nothing that would protect them from the gunshots until they got to it.

Yifan heard this one shot so clearly. He had never heard something like that.  
„Fuck!“ Yifan immediately came to a halt as he heard /that/ voice. No. Please now. He turned around.  
„Chanyeol!“ His eyes widened as he saw his comrade falling to the ground. Someone got him at his leg. Yifan knew what that meant. In this situation it was not possible to save him. But Yifan did not care, he quickly made his way back, trying to help Chanyeol get up. „Fuck, Yifan stop this bullshit. Go!“ Chanyeol pressed his teeth together and breathed heavily at the pain, his dark hair sticking onto his forehead because of the sweat, dirt and sand.  
„You need to leave immediately!“ More gunshots followed his words and they quickly ducked their heads. Yifan did not want that though. Chanyeol held his injured leg in pain.  
„Damn it Chanyeol, get up!“ Yifan simply grabbed Chanyeol and pulled him. He would not leave him here to die. Or even worse. Get caught.  
„You’re going tot kill both of us.“ Even while protesting, Chanyeol did not fight against him, not like he could. Not like he could do anything about it. Together they made their way towards the forest, they were already behind the other soldiers of their units but yifan diid not care.  
„No one will be left behind.“ Like a mantra, he repeated those words over and over. 

Even with people screaming and gunshots surrounding them, the young soldiers heard the dull sound of something dropping right beside them. They looked at their right and Yifan went pale. He watched the small, egg shaped item in disbelief. A grenade. Yifan and Chanyeol looked at each other. His face contorting into this of pain, but Chanyeol just chuckled.  
„Yifan, run.“ He said quietly. His untangled his arm from Yifan and then slid into the ground, his frame covering the deadly little item. Yifan couldn’t move.  
„Baekhyun should not be scared, okay? Yifan, run!“ He said, now louder. He tried to smile, eyes determined.  
Yifan listened, body moving on autopilot, he ran. But honestly, he would have preferred to stay. His turned back after leaving the dangerous radius, fuck, Chanyeol was still smiling. He could still see it on his lips, as his body got shred into pieces.

///END OF FLASHBACK///

The scar below his eyes came from a splinter of exactly that grenade. It was the only injury he had received on that encounter. Only because of Chanyeol. This scar was the only thing he had left of his friend. Whenever he looked into the mirror, he would see it. It was a constant reminder of the death he had faced every single day. Yifan lowered his head, threaded his hand through his hair and over his face. He felt the scar. He /wanted/ to feel it, it would remind him forever.  
It was a shame, there wasn’t even a body for his family and Baekhyun to bury. There was nothing.  
„He did not want you to be afraid of his death.“ Yifan said.  
„He can’t change that.“ Baekhyun sobbed, he sounded bitter. Not like anyone could blame him. Yifan looked at him. Baekhyun cried too much while getting not much of sleep, it was so obvious in those red, tired eyes. Yifan could understand, but he did not want him to suffer so much. Chanyeol had died because of him, because he wanted to save him. This was a guilt that would never leave him.  
„You know, he had smiled beaver he died. His last thought was you.“ Baekhyun looked at him with his large eyes, surprised.  
„Really?“ Yifan nodded.  
„He loved you. I am sure he still does.“ Baekhyun sobbed again, hand pressed against his face. He just could not stop to cry. Yifan understood it probably the best.  
„You were a true friend for him.“  
Yifan was nothing. He closed his hand in a tight fist, fingernails boring itself into his skin. He was weak, he did not manage to save his friend. It was because of him that Chanyeol had to die. It was not fare, Chanyeol deserved to live so much more than he did. Even at the verge of death, Chanyeol had managed to smile while Yifan’s was gone for such a long time. This god everyone talked about had chosen the wrong one. He had taken the wrong person. „Yifan.“ His voice was trembling, he hated himself so much.  
„I am so sorry.“  
Baekhyun did not answer, he just cried. Yifan did not want an answer anyway, so it was okay.

It started to snow, Yifan could see the little snowflakes in the darkness. He slowly raised up, eyes now on Junmyeon that was still standing among their friends, then looked back to Baekhyun.  
„Do you want to come over to us? I know Junmyeon misses you.“ The smaller looked up, a bit confused, Yifan offered his hand.  
„No one should be alone this evening.“ Yifan smiled, at least he tried. He did not know if he managed. Talking to Baekhyun was good, even if it made him hate himself even more. But he did deserve it, right?  
Baekhyun nodded, he was only accepting his offer, but to him it seemed like he agreed to his thoughts. He did deserve to suffer indeed. 

Junmyeon smiled at his boyfriend upon noticing that Baekhyun was with him.  
„Thank you.“ He whispered and kissed Yifan on the lips before he embraced Baekhyun. But Yifan did not know for what he was thankful for. He did not anything good. Chanyeol had died. Yifan just could not fathom why so many people thanked him. Everything that he did was to kill people. The fact that he survived was sheer luck. Was honor and what pride did they talk about all the time? It did not exist in war. All those honors, victory celebrations and notes of thanks were meaningless. It was not was was war really was. War was nothing good, nothing that should be celebrated. All those medals were useless, the only thing left were scars. But Yifan had given up on trying to understand it.

„It’s starting soon.“ One of his friends said. He did not really listen, the words sounded like they were spoken through a filter. But he did hear Junmyeon’s soft laugh.  
„I am so glad, a new year.“ He looked at Yifan. He knew Junmyeon was hoping for things to get better. Junmyeon knew about his struggles, although what he knew was only scratching the surface. Yifan did not want to disappoint him but at the same time he knew, he would do exactly that. It was inevitable. Yifan looked at the boy next to him. Junmyeon was so beautiful. The black hair contrasted so perfectly with his pale skin. His coat covered the most perfect body he had ever seen and that body sheltered the purest and kindest heart that could be found on this world. So small, yet so strong. Stronger than him. He did not deserve him. His soul was tainted until it could not be recognized anymore.  
„Junmyeon.“ He whispered, desperate. But he was not loud enough, Junmyeon momentarily distracted, so he did not hear it. Maybe he should not hear it, maybe it was better like this. But a part of Yifan needed him so so much. 

The young ex-soldier was suddenly feeling both so hot and cold.  
„Junmyeon.“ He tried again, but the people around him were too loud as they counted down to zero. 10, 9, 8….  
He tried again and only then Junmyeon heard him. He turned to him and saw the pain Yifan’s face. It did not take long until Yifan felt his hands onto his cheeks. They were warm and gentle. He leaned in to whisper into his ears. „Everything will be fine, Yifan.“

He almost wanted to believe it but then he heard it. Gunshots. He flinched. There was more. What was happening? It was over, right? Yifan looked up in panic, his mind back to those horrible places. He saw lights as he looked around. Every shot would torture his mind again, would remind him of the horror he went through. The battlefield was right in front of his eyes.

„Please… Yifan… calm down. It's okay... It’s- it’s just the fireworks.“ Junmyeon sobbed, clearly distressed, too. 

Yifan looked into his dark eyes. He seemed to feel his agony, too. Yifan did not want him to cry. His large hands came up to dig into Junmyeon’s coat, desperate for something to hold onto. Tears gathered in his eyes, even if the did not want to cry. Why was he like that? Why did he let Junmyeon suffer so much? He was a monster.  
Again, more shots. Yifan thought it to be enough, there was not much left for him to take. Could they finally hit him? He sank down onto his knees, Junmyeon following up. Not willing to leave his side. They felt the snow under their knees, it was cold. But for Yifan it was like the dusty ground splattered with blood and bullets that he knew better than anything else.  
„Ju-Junmyeon..“ He sobbed again and again, his free hand coming up to claw onto his dark, messed up hair. #„I am so… so sorry… I….“ He looked into his eyes, desperate. Tears streaming down his face, small lines crossing over his skin, making him feel both hot and cold at the same time.  
„I… i am no longer the man you fell in love with… I… am a monster. P-please… forgive me.“ He begged. All Yifan could see when he looked into a mirror was a monster. A murderer. So much blood that was on his hands.  
Junmyeon cried with him, he did not want Yifan to be in pain. He did not want to believe his words. Did not want to see anymore suffering. Wasn’t it enough hat they were separated so long, that Yifan had to go through months of war? That Junmyeon had to fear everyday for that one message, that would destroy his life? Yifan was finally back, finally with him. Why did his lover had to suffer so much?  
„P-please don’t say this, Yifan. Everything will be fine. It’s over. You survived.“

Junmyeon did not know of the effects of his words. Yifan winced as he pressed both of his hands against his ears, trying to dull out everything around him. But the gunshots were still coming through. 

It was in this moment that Yifan realized, that they would never be silenced.


End file.
